Hi there. My name is Frank. In-depth one-on-one ministry to men is what this website is encouraging you to do. Here are my recent posts. Please see the Contents page to learn what is here. Also, see the About Me and Mission pages.
Jan 02 2018
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Mar 28 2018
My Usual meeting length.
One hour is, to me, a short meeting length. Two to four hours are usually more productive than one-hour meetings. Dealing with heart level items takes a lot of time. My sessions occasionally go 6+ hours. Assuming you asked a very open-ended conversation starter then followed that up with the suggestions in this other entry. It will take more than an hour.
Also be sure that you are actively listening to him alone. No other thoughts than his words are in your mind while you are together.
Again he needs to articulate how he feels at items in his life today. Have to put thoughts and feelings into words make them evident in the speaker’s mind and heart.
The times suggested for a psychological counseling session are not applicable nor enough. You are not a psychologist nor is this “counseling.” You are building a personal relationship with a spiritual brother. It is a bond often more profound than physical brotherhood. Note Jesus’ reaction to his physical half-brothers in Matthew 12:46-50. Also Matthew 19:28-30. Jesus puts spiritual brothers ahead of the closest physical relationships.
If possible have an open-ended meeting length
Try to leave your meeting length unspecified. You can schedule some for an hour or more after you usual meeting time. When it is time for that meeting, just tell your brother you have another meeting. Guys never seem to mind. And you have not cut his time short. If he has another meeting or has to get back to work then never complain. Immediately schedule the next meeting. Thank him for his time. And get out of there. If you have to use your phone or a GPS to set, do not do that where he can see you. You don’t want him to wonder if he has detained you. He needs to know that he has all your time he needs.
Permanent link to this article: https://edifymin.org/meeting-length/
Mar 24 2018
The heart of each meeting is a time of one-on-one, soul to soul discussion. So what is a good conversation starter to get a man to talk about this? There may be some discussion about what to order for lunch. Or maybe the project you are going to do together today. Or even the weather today.
But when it gets to the heart of the meeting, you want a straightforward question. Never the opening line of a speech or sermon. Err to asking that question too soon. So you do not bog down in nonessentials.
The center of each meeting is lovingly getting to the heart of the other person.
Possible Conversation Starters
- “Well, what’s been going on with Joe?” this is a good opener in almost any situation. You can use it to open every meeting. No one gets tired of it.
- “Whats been going on with Joe since we last met?” Good for someone you talked in depth with a little while ago.
- “Tell me about Joe.” Good line if you have never met one-on-one before.
What should a conversation starter do?
- Get the focus on the other person
- Get him to talk about what is in his heart. His current concerns or joys. Remember He Needs to Talk.
- Use his preferred name.
- Be VERY open-ended.
What should conversation starter NOT do?
- Suggest a topic. If Joe told you in advance what he wanted, it might have changed.
- Pull the focus toward yourself.
- Indicate your opinion on ANYTHING.
What if he asks you first?
Answer him with the same depth and sincerity that expect from him. Admitting that you too have issues is healthy. It often strengthens the relationship. Now immediately flip the question back on him! And next time you take the lead.
Here is a blog post that suggests 125 conversation starters. However, I found NONE of them that opens up the way for an in-depth ministry. And meaningful personal ministry to others is the heart of being a follower of Jesus. John 13:34-35.
This medical article has a suggestion in Table 1. I will talk more about that and its meeting outline in another post.
Permanent link to this article: https://edifymin.org/conversation-starter/
Mar 18 2018
Shortly before you meet someone, send him a Pre-Meeting Reminder Message
Each meeting gives you three contacts with your Brother.
- First, a message confirming the meeting in the next eight to 18 hours.
- The actual meeting. And scheduling the next meeting.
- The post-meeting thankyou message eight to 24 hours later.
Why this time frame?
You want to give him time to get your message. He also may have a conflict so will need to reschedule. If you do it any earlier, he may get distracted and forget your meeting.
These timings assume you are using cell phone text messaging or a voice call/message. You may need to allow more time if you have to use email. You need to know how your Brother usually responds.
Pre-meeting reminder Elements
- Greet him using his preferred name. If you accidentally send it to the wrong person his guy will probably let you know so you can correct it.
- Tell him you are looking forward to seeing him.
- Remind him of the time a location.
- Again allude to your positive anticipation.
And here are a few do not’s
- Please do not remind him of anything he promised to do between meetings. Your message is enough of a prompt.
- Don’t mention anything you plan to give him or do for him. You may learn at the meeting your plan is not best for him now.
- Also, don’t repeat any gossip you have heard related to him. You are building a positive connection with him. Sharing gossip weakens relationships. Remember you are helping him develop positive relationships with others. Even positive reports are a problem. He may wonder if you also talk to other about him.
- Do not ask him to confirm. Just sending him a message does that. If he can not make then, he will let you know. A no-show that tells you a lot about him. Asking him to respond seems like you do not trust him.
Pre-meeting Reminder Message examples
- Hey Joe. I am sure looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, same time usual place. Frank.
- Tom, Sure looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I have us meeting at the Polar Bear Cafe at 1234 North Antarctic Blvd. for lunch at 11:30. Meet you there. 🙂 Frank.
Here is an outside source that warns about using the word “just” in reminder messages.
Permanent link to this article: https://edifymin.org/pre-meeting-reminder/
Jan 18 2018
Did you schedule your next meeting as your left each other? Now, within eight to 24 hours, say thank you for his time. Cell phone text messages work best for a post-meeting thankyou. If that is not possible, try email or kill a tree and use the postal service.
Why this time frame?
If you wait a while, then your message becomes another contact. It reminds your brother of what you discussed. It may help him follow through on actionable items. Waiting a while helps him know you care about the relationship, that you think about and pray for him when you are not together.
Each meeting gives you three contact with your Brother.
- First, a message confirming the meeting eight to 18 hours in advance.
- The actual meeting.
- Now, the post-meeting thankyou message eight to 24 hours later.
But shouldn’t he say thank you?
Well, he may. But do not expect him to say it. You, the older guy, should say it first. Your thanking him is a model for him. You are helping him learn how he should bless others.
After all, you may have asked him to help you with a task or project. Hence you need to thank him!
Just remember, you are to treat him as a peer.
What if he says Thank You first?
My experience is that it does not happen often. If the younger man does, then mention it in your thank your message.
Thank you Elements
- Greet him using his preferred name
- Express gratitude for his time.
- Thank him for some personal detail he shared with you. The thanks will help him to relax and deal with this issue. It will also encourage him to be open to deepening the relationship.
- When he helps with a project of yours, express your gratitude.
- If he gave you something, then tell him how you will use it.
- If he bought your meal or snack, then be sure to thank him for it again.
- Mention the date, time and place of your next meeting together. This review will help make sure it is on both calendars!
- Anything you gave him or did for him!
- Any negative information he shared. It is often gossip. You are helping him build positive relationships.
Post-meeting Thankyou Message examples
- Hey Joe. Thanks for our meeting today. I enjoyed hearing about your promotion at work. Congratulations. I am praying that your ministry to your son will be accepted. See you next week, same time and place.
- Tom, it was so good to meet with you yesterday. I am praising the Lord that you have an increasing ministry in the Village. Thanks for my lunch salad. I am looking for to seeing you again on the 19th of next month. I will meet you at the same time at your gate just like yesterday.
Here is an outside resource that may help you with the elements of a simple thank you message.
Permanent link to this article: https://edifymin.org/post-meeting-thankyou-message/
Jan 15 2018
Near the end of each session is the best time to schedule the next meeting.
How to schedule the next meeting
Pull out your calendar and say “When do you want to get together again?” He will probably get his out too. Let him make a suggestion first. (Do not steal control at this point!) If at all possible take it. If you cannot, they say why but do not reveal personal details. Say “Sorry I have a conflict. When else might work?
When I am going to be out of town several months, I still set up a meeting. Maybe just a pre-meeting contact about ten days before. (That is a subject for a later post.)
Integrity when you schedule the next meeting
Always honor previous meeting commitments. If you do not, you have made your self a liar to the first person. Do not promise to move some other appointment to make one with this guy. That is making distinctions, and that is not a Christian thing to do! (Gal 3:28; James 2:1-9) Let God control those things. You are serving Him to let God control your calendar. When I have tried to rearrange things, it as usually been a great mistake.
Your tool to schedule the next meeting.
By the way, smart-phone calendars work best. They are always up-to-date. Be sure to hit “save” after you enter something. Second, best is a pocket calendar unless of course, you have your computer with you. If you are not using the phone, then be sure very sure you update your “real” calendar. And if you are meeting several guys today, make sure you do not create a conflict.
Occasionally someone for logistical reason needs a delay. If so, then make a date you will contact that person. But be very careful. That is an easy way to lose contact with someone. That just happened to me today😔.
I have only had one negative response in the past 5 or so years. That was a person who had an entrenched odd theological position. He was trying to drum up support for it.
In the after session text contact mention the agreed time and location. (There will be another post of after meeting “thank you” messages.) Rehearsing the date will help ensure it is on the other guy’s calendar too.
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Jan 01 2018
He needs to talk. You need to listen. It is more fun for you that way too.
He needs to talk about 90% of the time. Most men seldom get to talk about his concerns, his hurts, and frustration. Often your most significant service is to just, actively listen to him. That is a profound ministry.
He needs to talk example
Not long ago I sat with a Christian brother for three hours in his apartment. He talked non-stop the whole time. He talked about family issues, personal economic issues, workplace issues, and more. All I did was look at him, nod on occasion, and make some hopefully well-placed sounds and non-words like Umm, ahh, ouch, etc. Well, there were a few words like “How is …?”, “What is your next step?” We did get some water to drink and relieve ourselves of the same. But that was it!
At that time he had to go to work. So I was getting ready to leave. Then he stopped and looked intently at me. “Thanks so much for listening!! I am feeling a lot better now.” Finally, with a long hug, we were both on our way.
My thoughts later that day included:
- He was sure thankful!
- I was not bored because I was always busy processing his issues.
- Nothing overtly spiritual had come up.
- But I am sure he knew I care about him and his issues.
- I am sure there was more on his mind or soul that he did not have time to say.
- He had not wanted to leave.
- Neither had I.
- He looks a lot more relaxed now.
- I felt satisfied.
Some things to notice
First, we had already developed a friendship relationship. He opened up because he knew he could trust me. That is to become transparent. Fully listening without any judgment or critique deepened that transparency. The more he shared, the more he felt free to share. Probably, he was sure I would not criticize him.
Second, my focus on him was undivided. Neither of us took phone calls or text messages. It would be even better if we turned our hand-held devices off. If had to look up something for him, I could power it on then. Better yet tell him what you remember and if necessary correct it later with a text message, email, or phone call.
Third, I felt great. My friend’s gratitude was my reward. Also rewarded by noticing the release of tension in his voice and body.
Build a friendship. As it matures, your friend with feel free to share his innermost thoughts, fears and feeling with you. As he shares, he will relax. Your listening helps him unscramble his thoughts and see his situation realistically. And you did not have to say anything!
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